What do you do when the world becomes too much? The light is bright and cold. It hurts my eyes, it hurts my brain. I want to concentrate, but I can’t even see properly. Words and numbers become blurry, table cells merge and become the same. People talk left and right, behind me and in front of me. Two phone conversations happen at the same time, and close to me, two people explain to each other some concept or other.
Humming. The humming is always here. People clicking and typing, pages shuffling, someone blowing off their nose. Computers and monitors produce sounds. The AC is singing its off-kilter song. Someone makes a coffee and the coffee maker bubbles. Someone else is printing, and the printer screeches as it spews out paper. Something has fallen to the ground, thudding on the carpet. The neon above me is buzzing, the light dancing ever so slightly that nobody else notices. Yet, to me, it feels like a laser slicing my skull in two.
Smells. A sweet perfume that makes me nauseous. Vaping. Food. I can even smell the breath of those who are close to me. My airways feel clogged, I feel assaulted, and there’s nowhere I can escape. Even the smell of cleaning substances makes me sick.
Clothes rub on me, and I want to take them all off. Strip naked in the middle of my office so I will feel nothing. Or rather, change into a pj, and wrap myself in soft cotton. Naked, I feel the air on my skin, and I need protection from that. But even when I only opt for the most comfortable things, at some point something feels wrong. It feels itchy, or it’s too tight, or it finds another way to annoy me.
I eat and eat because taste is the only one of my senses I still have control over. I eat and eat because feeling something in my mouth keeps me calm. Eating is the only part of my life that still feels like control, and yet, it is the part of my life the most out of control. I need to keep myself healthy, I know, but what does healthy means when what I struggle with is keeping myself alive? When everything hurts, when the now is so painful, how can I think about the future?
Noise-canceling headphones, music, and audiobooks. It helps, yet it can’t keep all noises at bay. I still hear people talking, I still hear the electronic machines humming. When there’s too much noise, there’s too much noise and I can’t escape it.
I run from my office, but there’s no place I can escape the humming and the smells. The kitchen smells of too many foods and the water purifier is always on. The bathroom smells of shit and piss and cleaning products, and the ventilator never stops, no matter what I do. Neons hum in the hallways, people talk everywhere. Every place is too bright.
Outside. Outside there’s traffic, a different kind of noise, and a different kind of light. At least, there are some green trees, but their leaves look sad under the pollution they have to endure every day. And I? I am dying inside while my body keeps moving. I am wasting away day by day, the light in me dwindling until I have nothing left to shine. And I long for the dark.
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