Christmas and Autism

 Hello! It’s funny that my first article here happens to be about Christmas, but so it is. Before I begin, I want to warn everybody that what I’m about to write is solely my own experience, and it’s not true for all autists. We are all different; our sensory sensitivities are very different from one another, so other might face challenges where I don’t or vice versa.

I’m one of those people who love Christmas. If I think back about my childhood, Christmas has always been a magical time of the year. It meant pretty lights all over, grandma’s cooking, and time spent in bed reading or watching TV. It was the Christmas tree, with its wonderful smell and the shiny decorations. The carols and the sound of music resounding from everywhere. For the child-me, it was a time when everything slowed, and no one had any expectations of me. A time to meet those I loved and be with my family (which is not a big family, and definitely not a noisy family, as I’ve noticed with others). Christmas also meant presents, of course, but I don’t think they were ever my main reason for enjoying the holyday. Mostly, it was the sensory experience and the lack of structure to my day. Or the lack of social expectations (I know that for most autistics family time often means social overload, but with my family, I always knew I was loved regardless of what I said or if I actually said anything, and I was always allowed me time when I felt too full).

As an adult, things changed slightly. I still love Christmas, obviously. But I have more to handle, so it’s easier for me to feel overwhelmed. I have two children and I want to offer them the same magical experience of Christmas I had. I love decorating, but sometimes, after long days of work and everything, I have barely any energy left to decorate. Luckily, as my children grow, they begin to carry on the decorating by themselves. And I love the Christmas tree, but sometimes I’m bothered by all the time it takes in my house, especially since it’s going to be there till February, most likely (everybody in my family suffers from executive dysfunction, so putting it up is fun and all, but taking it down is harder).

One thing I definitely do not love are the swarms of people you can find everywhere during this time of the year. I actually do love shopping, but only as long as it’s not crowded. Picking things off the shelves makes me happy, but only when I have time to admire everything and I’m not distracted by groups and groups of people passing over me, pushing into me, wanting the same thing I want. I hate accidental touches or when others breathe to close to me. I hate when others can’t wait for me to pick what I want and move away before choosing their own desired items. When this happens, I only want to leave the store. Thank God for delivery.

Some years I do the Christmas shopping in advance, and those are good years, where I can relax before the holyday and meet it prepared. Lately, with my little one catching every childhood illness and needing days of care and medication, I almost forgot that Christmas is coming until it was almost upon us. Last year was extremely overwhelming.

This year I’ve done all my Christmas shopping this week as well. The stores were busy, people everywhere, and I had to be careful not to forget anyone, to think about what everyone might want. It was exhausting, but I’m so proud of myself for being able to find thoughtful gifts for everybody. My parents are having a tough time this year, and if I manage to put a smile on their faces, it would be worth it.

I am proud of myself for putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with my children. It was tiring, but we had fun. It was definitely worth it for them, but honestly, I just look at the Christmas tree and think that it’s so beautiful, so it was also worth it for me. To see something pretty in my house every day.

That’s about all I’ve done this year. My husband did some cleaning. Well, to be honest, my husband did a lot of cleaning because he’s much better at it than I am, and under his touch the house actually looks clean unlike when I try to do that job. Of course, with his ADHD, he’s a very spur-of-the-moment cleaner, so when he feels like it our house is spotless, and when he doesn’t, all we have is my failed attempt. He felt like it this Christmas.

But then, he didn’t feel like cooking. And nor did I. And we were both okay with it. After all, one of our children’s got the flu, the other a throat infection, so just seeing them feeling relatively all right was enough. We ate leftover pizza from yesterday and the cake I ordered a day in advance. I cooked a quick vegetable soup for my little one who doesn’t want to eat anything too chewy at the moment, but that took about ten minutes. We enjoyed our presents and made good use of them (I mean, the kids did of their toys; we’ve got jewelry and perfumes, so we will only use them when we leave the house).

Presents are the only aspect of the holyday that is really important to me and I cling to. Presents put a smile on other people’s face. So no matter how tired, I make time to buy presents for the other people. Important presents when I can afford them, but at least something symbolic and thoughtful if I don’t have the means to buy more. It makes me happy, and it makes everybody else’s happy.

This year on Christmas day, there was only the four of us, but we celebrated with the extended family a day in advance. As I’ve said, my family is cool. We can really be ourselves when we are together, and we are not that loud to worry about overwhelm. But if any of us does get overwhelmed, we are free to go sit by ourselves until we recharge.

I just read this morning an article with advice for relatives of autistic people on how to make the holyday more enjoyable for the said autistic people. The thing is, all those rules seemed to me like things that don’t need to be spoken for people with enough common sense and who really care about their relatives. I mean, in my home, no one ever forced me or anyone else to speak when I didn’t feel like it, or out of time by myself (maybe they asked if anything was wrong, and if I said nothing was wrong and that I needed to be by myself, that was fine), no one forced me to play any games or wear scratchy clothes, and so on and so forth. The fact that rules like this need to be said and that not every family applies them by default is really sad and it’s no wonder so many people see autism as a disorder. We are not disorderly at all if given a chance to live the way we enjoy and be whoever we are. Of course, there still are things like executive dysfunction and other aspects of being on the spectrum that can make our lives harder, but if people are willing to live with us the way we are, help where we struggle, they will find that we also have so much to offer. As for myself, because of the way I see the world, I do struggle sometimes, but also I can spot so much beauty others are unable to see that it’s worth it. There’s no other way I’d rather be.

If this article seems not entirely structured and all over the place, I apologize for that. I wrote it in two sittings, after some events that affected me emotionally happened (my kids got sick again, and I’m not feeling that well myself). But there were things I wanted to say and I didn’t want to edit the whole thing. I hope somebody can benefit from reading about my experience with Christmas.